Why ‘Taboo’ Fantasies Are So Popular – And Totally Normal
Introduction
Sexual fantasies have long intrigued, confused, and sometimes concerned people—especially when they involve what society labels as “taboo.” These are the fantasies that push against the grain of social, cultural, or even legal norms: power imbalances, public exposure, non-monogamy, role play involving dominance or submission, and many more. While such fantasies can be intense or shocking to some, they are far more common than most people realize—and crucially, they are normal.
The topic of taboo fantasies invites us to confront our deeply ingrained beliefs about sex, morality, and the boundary between imagination and action. In this article, we’ll explore why taboo fantasies are so popular, what they actually mean, and why they are a healthy and typical part of human sexuality.
What Are “Taboo” Fantasies?
The word taboo refers to things that are forbidden or socially frowned upon. In the context of sexuality, this can include a wide range of scenarios:
- Power dynamics: dominance/submission, teacher/student, boss/employee
- Voyeurism or exhibitionism
- Group sex or non-monogamy
- Rough sex or consensual non-consent
- Age play or role reversal
- Same-sex encounters in otherwise straight-identifying individuals
- Incestuous role play or other socially forbidden relationships
Importantly, these fantasies often take place entirely within the realm of imagination or consensual role play—not real-life behavior. And this is where much of the confusion lies: people tend to conflate fantasy with intention. In reality, fantasy is a psychological and emotional experience, not a moral statement or action plan.
The Psychology Behind Taboo Fantasies
1. The Forbidden Fruit Effect
Humans have an innate curiosity for the forbidden. Psychologists have long documented the allure of things that are off-limits. When society deems a subject “too dirty,” “too dangerous,” or “immoral,” it doesn’t make people stop thinking about it—it often does the opposite.
This is called the forbidden fruit effect. Much like a child being told not to touch something, being told a desire is unacceptable can make it more mentally preoccupying. Taboos become symbolic of rebellion, freedom, or intensity, which fuels the erotic charge behind them.
2. Safe Exploration of Danger or Power
Fantasies offer a psychologically safe space to explore scenarios that might be risky, traumatic, or socially impossible in real life. For instance, someone might fantasize about being overpowered not because they want to be harmed, but because they find emotional release or catharsis in letting go of control—in fantasy.
Similarly, playing with authority figures or power roles in fantasy allows people to explore aspects of identity, trauma, or desire without any actual power being abused. The imaginative space provides a container where nothing is truly at stake.
3. Rehearsal, Rebellion, or Resolution
Some taboo fantasies function as mental rehearsal for desires someone might want to explore in real life (like group sex or role play). Others may be a form of rebellion—pushing back against sexual repression, religious conservatism, or strict social norms. Still others are a way to resolve past experiences: a person might eroticize a situation they once felt helpless in as a way to reclaim control or re-narrate the experience.
4. Taboos Are Culturally Defined
What’s taboo in one culture or generation might be totally acceptable in another. For example, same-sex fantasies were once considered deviant in many societies, but are now much more accepted. This cultural relativity shows that the idea of “taboo” is more about social rules than natural laws.
Understanding that taboos are constructed, not fixed, helps demystify why they appear so frequently in our private mental lives. They reflect the boundaries we’ve internalized—and often, our desires to test or transcend them.
The Prevalence of Taboo Fantasies
You might be surprised at how common these fantasies really are.
Sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller, in his groundbreaking 2018 book Tell Me What You Want, surveyed over 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies. The results were eye-opening:
- Nearly everyone has fantasized about something considered taboo.
- The most common fantasy themes included threesomes, BDSM, role reversal, and public sex.
- Consensual non-consent (CNC), also known as “rape fantasy,” was one of the most reported fantasies—by both men and women.
- Many people fantasize about scenarios they have no desire to enact in real life.
This research supports the idea that taboo fantasies are not rare, deviant, or pathological—they are widespread and psychologically healthy.
Fantasy ≠ Action: Why That Distinction Matters
One of the biggest misunderstandings about sexual fantasy is the idea that imagining something means you want to do it. But this simply isn’t true. The fantasy realm operates under different rules than real life:
- People may fantasize about submission while being empowered and assertive in real life.
- Some enjoy imagining socially forbidden acts precisely because they would never do them.
- The appeal often lies in symbolism, emotion, or mental escape, not in literal desire.
Think of it like horror movies: people enjoy watching things they would never want to experience. The fear, like the taboo, becomes thrilling in a safe context. Similarly, taboo fantasies offer a kind of erotic horror movie—intense, emotional, but ultimately safe.
The Role of Shame and Secrecy
Many people experience intense shame about their fantasies, especially if they clash with their self-image or moral values. This shame can be compounded by cultural stigmas, religious guilt, or the fear of being judged by partners.
Unfortunately, this shame can be damaging:
- It discourages open communication in relationships.
- It leads to suppression, which can cause anxiety or compulsive behavior.
- It reinforces the idea that sexuality is something dirty or dangerous.
The antidote to this is normalization and understanding. Recognizing that fantasies are a normal part of sexual development—and not moral failings—can reduce shame and improve sexual well-being.
The Benefits of Embracing Fantasy
Rather than being something to hide, sexual fantasies (even taboo ones) can offer multiple psychological and relational benefits:
1. Increased Self-Knowledge
Fantasies reveal our psychological needs, hidden desires, and emotional themes. Understanding your fantasies can help you better understand yourself.
2. Greater Intimacy
When shared consensually, fantasies can bring couples closer. They open up new ways to communicate, experiment, and feel emotionally connected.
3. Stress Relief and Emotional Catharsis
Many people use fantasy to decompress, escape, or process emotions they can’t express elsewhere.
4. Improved Sexual Satisfaction
Engaging with your fantasies—either privately or with a trusted partner—can increase arousal, pleasure, and overall sexual fulfillment.
Ethical Considerations
While fantasy itself is private and morally neutral, some people worry about the ethical implications of certain themes. For example, what does it mean if someone fantasizes about non-consent or incest?
The key ethical principle here is consent. As long as the fantasy remains fantasy—or is acted out with informed, enthusiastic consent—there is no ethical violation. No one is harmed by a thought. And acting out a fantasy with a willing partner in a consensual, safe way is a valid form of expression.
However, this also means being self-aware. If a fantasy becomes compulsive, interferes with daily life, or crosses legal/ethical boundaries in reality, it may warrant speaking with a therapist.
Talking to Partners About Taboo Fantasies
If you’re in a relationship, you may wonder: Should I tell my partner about my taboo fantasies?
Here are a few tips:
- Gauge the relationship trust level. Are you both emotionally safe with one another?
- Start small and test the waters. You might bring up fantasies in a casual, lighthearted way.
- Use fantasy as a bridge. Emphasize that a fantasy doesn’t mean a demand—just an interest.
- Be prepared for mixed reactions. Some people are open-minded, others might need time to adjust.
- Be open to your partner’s fantasies, too. This should be a two-way conversation.
The more we can speak honestly about our desires, the more fulfilling and respectful our sexual relationships can become.
When to Seek Help
While most sexual fantasies are healthy, there are a few situations where professional guidance might help:
- If fantasies involve non-consensual or illegal real-life behavior that you feel compelled to act on
- If fantasy becomes an obsessive or distressing thought pattern
- If you feel overwhelmed by shame or self-loathing about your fantasies
- If sexual fantasies are interfering with your relationships or functioning
Sex-positive therapists or certified sex therapists can provide a nonjudgmental space to talk through these concerns and help you better understand and manage your inner world.
Conclusion
Taboo fantasies are a natural part of the human sexual landscape. They reflect our inner psychological worlds, our tensions with social norms, and our need to explore power, vulnerability, and identity in safe and symbolic ways.
To fantasize is not to sin, betray, or endanger—it is to imagine. And imagination, especially when approached with curiosity and honesty, is not only normal but essential to a vibrant and whole sexual life
